Creating a Spiritual Relationship

When I first came across Paul Ferrini it was through a congregant who specialized in couple’s counseling and women’s issues. She assured me Ferrini’s reference to spiritual laws did NOT mean religious / theological expectations.

There’s a distinction between the two.

I’m pretty sure I went through the differences between spiritual and religious when we met to plan your ceremony. I can’t expect you to have hung on every word I said, so here it is again:

There’s an unseen, non-judgmental, unconditionally loving energy that is the glue of the Universe. It is the essence of all that is, and it brings us together or repels us based on our ability to give it room to move. Spirit. Religion is dogma or theologies based on rules of conduct, ethical guidelines and often, sadly, judgment.

Back to the Book

At the time, this book was called The Seven Spiritual Laws of Relationship. I haven’t looked all the way through this new titled book, but Creating A Spiritual Relationship looks fundamentally the same at first glance.  In any event, here are the seven spiritual laws:

1. Make a realistic commitment to one another.
2. Develop a shared experience that nurtures your relationship.
3. Give each other space to grow and express as individuals.
4. Communicate by listening without judgment and telling the truth in a non-blaming way.
5. Understand how you mirror each other.
6. Stop blaming your partner and take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions.
7. Practice forgiveness together on an ongoing basis.

What’s remarkable about this book is it is NOT standard try hard, be faithful, never cheat kind of a book. Not that it’s pro-cheating, either. 

But he does talk about making a realistic assessment of yourself, so rather than living up to some religious or societal norm, you are living up to your own rules. 

You “just” have to make each other aware of those rules. When I read what follows in the book, I knew what he was trying to teach would be something very different, and probably, very helpful. 

Especially for the strong of heart.

“It doesn’t help you or anyone else to live a lie. So don’t pretend to be something you are not. Be truthful with yourself and your partner. If you make a mistake, say so. Commitments can always be renegotiated. It’s never too late to tell the truth. Sanity begins in a relationship only when both people learn to tell the truth…

“We need to keep our commitments when we can do so without betraying ourselves. When we can’t do this, we need to re-negotiate those commitments without betraying others. Our highest good is not necessarily at odds with the highest good of others. We can find a solution that honors everyone if we are willing to tell the truth about our needs and listen compassionately to the needs of others.” p. 37, The Seven Spiritual Laws, Paul Ferrini

400 Couples and Counting

Since 2005 I’ve done the wedding ceremony for approximately 400 couples. I know of maybe 10 who haven’t made it. My guess is there may be more. I don’t know. People move,, change email address and forget that they had the best officiant EVER officiate for them.

Hahahahaha. I kid. But in truth, I don’t know the status of a lot of the people I joined in marriage. Thank goodness for Facebook. I get to keep in touch with Allison and Pete, Amanda and Dan, Justin and Laura, Ken and Torre, Sarah and 

While many of you are happy and your relationship is strong, there are a number of you who aren’t. You’re barely hanging on what with kids and jobs and politics and family and on and on. 

The seven year itch seems to be fairly real. People have REALLY settled into 

There’s just no reason for you to suffer, put up with a faltering relationship and give up. Not when there’s so much help available, whether with books, marriage counseling, personal coaching, podcasts, masterminds, etc. all available. Even if you hit a rocky spot now and then but bounce back pretty well each time, 

ISN’T THERE ALWAYS SOMETHING YOU CAN LEARN?

If you feel some curiosity about the seven laws listed above, it could be a prompting from your spiritual Self. Your God. That energy that supports and guides you when you’re willing and able to listen. 

I encourage you to take a look at this book. Hook up with me again and we can set up some coaching/counseling sessions. Talk with someone who can give you a new perspective, be supportive AND objective. 

And do something fun. We take ourselves way too seriously. 

I know! I do it too. Here’s a little video of who helps me lighten up — my dog Reece. My animals are my dog-ma!

Be good to yourselves. Reach out, reach in, reach high. Much love to you,

Namasté

Rev. Crystal
Contact Me

#northernmichiganweddingofficiants

 

Rather Listen to this blog post? 

 

I was stunned. Blinded by love

Four months earlier I’d officiated for a really awesome, gentle and (here’s a somewhat old-fashioned word) lovely couple. They were all aglow on their wedding day, rosy-cheeked and grinning. They looked elegant and certain.

 A few days ago an email from the groom laid out that after 2 months of marriage these two got into one hell of an argument. Nastiness ensued. Immediately she pulled away, and reportedly, didn’t want to go for counseling. I don’t know how the request for help was presented (I only know one side of the story). But what happened next — he caught her with another man.

He filed for divorce. Their eight-year relationship crumbled.

The Dr. Phil in my head shouted, “You haven’t earned the RIGHT to get divorced yet!”

We’re Different

Maybe I’m making this up. BUT what engaged, in love, swamped-by-the-emotional-relief of finding the “right person” couples tell themselves may not be real. They’re in the throws of these emotions that convince them, “We’re different from everyone else who’s gotten married. We’ll be able to handle any problem that comes along. We love each other too much to have big obstacles get in our way.”

With the lovely couple, I’m pretty sure that’s what they’d told themselves, especially after eight years together.

What Could I Have Done?

Still, the stunned officiant in me wondered if there might have been something I could’ve done to prevent their demise from happening. Nipped something in the bud perhaps? Helped point out the red flags their good intentions avoided looking at?

After all, I look for fun-loving couples!

Fortunately life has taught me that there’s no making choices for anyone else but myself. Yes, it’s seductive to think we’re responsible for the way someone else feels. After all, didn’t Mom or Dad make us feel our grades made them happy or mad? Not cleaning our rooms meant nothing or caused lingering angry exchanges between us?

We Can’t Make Anyone Do Anything

We’ve learned that sometimes we can persuade someone one way or the other. But in the end, we really can’t make anyone do anything, anymore than someone else can hand that credit card over to purchase something we don’t really need.

We do that all on our own.

The only way I really know to circumvent disaster is to make myself STOP and get quiet. Be brave enough to know NOT NOW is not the same as NEVER.

Being Blinded

Being in the throws of engaged love usually is NOT quiet. It’s exciting. Blinding. Fun. Assuring. Take note of the word “blinding”. It often wants to consummate itself NOW. (Do I see any cyber nodding of heads and see dreamy smiles on faces????)

Since I use the old-fashioned word “lovely” I’m going to suggest another old-fashioned word or two: “premarital counseling.” It’s code for “prepared for the hard parts and more appreciative of the good parts of marriage.”

Pre-Marital Coaching

In my officiant business I have an extensive program for premarital coaching. And it’s not cheap because it’s an investment of time and thought, it’s meaningfully interactive and original. Every couple (except for an elopement) has access to at least one conversation-starting, issue identifying pre-marital prep topic of their choice. The option is included in their ceremony package.

It’s NOT required because if it were, I’d rarely get to officiate for anyone.

However, 95% of couples do not take me up on the offer even though it’s free. After years of gently warning couples they might want to make sure they aren’t making assumptions about each other’s beliefs, values and histories, coaching is mostly a no go.

Could I have helped my toppled lovely couple by requiring they get coaching before marriage? Then they wouldn’t have to confront the choices that led them into a short-lived marriage. I don’t know. But maybe I can help your marriage avoid heart-breaking bumpy roads (not that we can ever avoid ALL of those bumps – some are good for us!) ahead should you choose me for your wedding officiant.

For a look at the topics you can choose from, here’s the link to download the Directory.

Being in Phoenix with a Map of Detroit

Truly I wish I could say this program isn’t necessary. I love believing love can overcome everything. But the truth is, we have a very eschewed definition of love. If you think you’re in Phoenix but you’re looking at a map of Detroit, you’re going to get lost.

Marriage is the great teacher of the shallows and depths of love according to the map we’re following. The question is, who’s brave enough to explore their perceptions of awesomeness and darkness before their blind spots demand we open our love-struck eyes?

One of the best books I ever read on identifying some of those misalignments is Harville Hendrix’s “Keeping the Love You Find.” (There’s a link below to purchase the book and will give me an affiliate bonus). Oprah used to have Dr. Hendrix on her show and he was / is a fabulous teacher.

Love is Even More Awesome When …

Here’s to the very best for you, dear reader. You are fun-loving. Even so, love takes time to mature and grow. Your commitment to love will carry you through whatever life hands you, if you let it. The Universe, God, the Lord, (UGL) however you name that energy, is trying to get your attention. Watch what comes in your path. Listen. Ask. Get quiet. And most of all – be brave. 

The Universe has your back. And so do I.

Namasté,

Rev. Crystal 
Contact me for a quick chat or consultation. I’d love to find out how I can help you have the ceremony you want AND the marriage you believe in.

 

 

Here’s the link to Harville’s fabulous, lovely book. I am an Amazon Affiliate.